RELATIONSHIPS

How to Keep Them Healthy

From work colleagues to families and neighbours to friends, we all need to learn to manage relationships well. Many situations challenge relationships, and COVID has to be way up there among them. Notice any signs of strain in your relationships in the past year? From his extensive work on relationships, psychologist and researcher John Gottman (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) points out that four key signs show your relationship is in trouble. He calls these the "4 Horseman of the Apocalypse." They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If you notice any of these signs, this video will give you a little more on strategies to counter them. Although Gottman's work is primarily on couples; I think the lessons are universal to all relationships. How we treat one person is likely how we treat everyone because so many of our actions are habitual.

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THE EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT

What habits do we need to build to prevent our relationships from inviting in those "4 Horseman" in the first place? One of Gottman's fundamental principles is to have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, especially during an argument. 😉 The idea is to build a "savings account" of your positive actions in your "relationship bank" so that when you make a "withdrawal" by behaving negatively, there is a buffer. This idea is similar to Stephen Covey's work (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families) with the emotional bank account. Covey defines that actions that build trust add to the account and actions that deplete trust withdraw from the account. The balance of the account then determines how people interact with each other. So, if your interactions are on the bumpy side, you may want to work on adding more "deposits" to the emotional bank account of that relationship.

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POSITIVE REALTIONSHIP DEPOSTIS

Developing these habits, however, requires some intention. We need to decide that we will make some positive deposits each day by thinking of the interaction coming up and how we will make that interaction more positive. How do we add those deposits? As you may have already guessed, some emotional bank account deposits include:

1. Showing simple kindness such as making a cup of tea without being asked

2. Showing gratitude for something the other has done,

3. Stopping and listening with full presence to what the other is saying (put the phone down!),

4. Asking about their day with genuine interest,

5. Spending time doing fun activities together (movie, concert, playing games),

6. Learning about their likes and dislikes and keeping these in mind.

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ACTIVE CONSTURCTIVE RESPONSING

Of course, there are many more! Another way to make a positive deposit is called active constructive responding (ACR). ACR is about turning towards or paying full attention to the person when they come to share something good with you, such as a joke or how their day went. By responding positively, you magnify the positive experience, build trust and intimacy, and contribute to your well-being. If you ignore or dismiss the exchange, you do the opposite, creating a withdrawal from their emotional bank account. 

Relationships, just like your personal bank account, need regular tending for positive results.

Challenge:

How are you going to contribute to the emotional bank accounts in your relationships? Take some time this week and reflect at the end of each day what you did to "deposit' or "withdraw" from those emotional bank accounts. Then, decide what steps you will take the next day to put in a few more "deposits." 😉

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Disclaimer: The content in this blog is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog or on this website.

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  Share this post and spread some joy! ☺️

THE POWER OF HAPPINESS

WHAT IF YOU COULD SPREAD HAPPINESS?

Turns out that happy people create more happy people, according to the Framingham Heart Study. This was a study that was started in 1948, initially to follow a group of people to look at heart disease. Over time they followed the second and third generations of the initial study group and have expanded to look at other factors and influences of health. Their results show that happiness is contagious to 3 degrees. So if you are happy, then your friend, their friend and their friend’s friend are more likely to be happy. In other words, your happiness has a ripple effect through your social network! Although we don’t really know how this works, there are many theories such as happy people treat others better or even a psychoneuroimmunological (say that 10 times fast!) change. A psychoneuroimmunological change just means the chemicals and hormones in your body might change. There are some limits, such as the distance we are from one another.  However,  someone who is happy will increase the chance of their friend becoming happy by 25%!

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SHOW SOME KINDNESS AND SPREAD THE HAPPY

Hmmm. Well, we have heard it before: “obesity is contagious”, “smoking is contagious.” Parents have also heard that kids will do “as they see” and not “as they are told.” To me, that just shows the influence we have over people who are near to us. By working on our own health and wellbeing, we can have a ripple effect within our society. It’s also important to remember that this doesn’t mean we only focus on ourselves.  Studies have also shown that acts of kindness boost our well-being while helping the recipient as well. 

So, what will you do to SPREAD SOME HAPPINESS today?

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HAPPINESS BOOSTING PRACTICES:

1. Try a little gratitude to boost your wellbeing! it!

2. Feel better with square breathing in just minutes! 

3. Try this loving-kindness meditation to boost your happiness today

OTHER LINKS

Study link

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Disclaimer: The content in this blog is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog or on this website.

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Know someone who could use a bit of stress relief?  Share this post and spread some joy! ☺️

How to Handle a Rough Day

The other day I had a really rough day. But I also had a medical student that I was teaching and I wanted to make sure that they were learning from each situation regardless of my own emotions. I made an effort to take advantage of each teachable moment so that my student had the most beneficial experience. In medicine, and I’m sure in many other work situations, you think you have to appear you have everything under control and nothing can phase you. At the end of the day I realized that I had forgotten to teach the most important lesson: how to deal with the rough day!

We all have them. Sometimes it feels like every interaction is challenging. It might feel like everything that can go wrong does go wrong. It can seem quite overwhelming.  So how do you deal with such a day?  Here are my tips and how I dealt with my day. 

1. Acknowledge that it’s been a rough day and know that you are not alone. We ALL experience these kinds of days. It’s part of being human. Then, take a moment to bring your hand to your heart (if it doesn’t feel weird - Ok even if it does, just do it- there’s much to be said about the mind-body connection) and say to yourself: “May I be strong. May I be kind to myself.“ Remind yourself that you did the best you could. There is great science behind the benefits of self-compassion and on a tough day, we need to be our own friend (inspired by Kristin Neff).

2. Breathe deeply for one minute. Repeat often. Whenever I could, I snuck in a minute of just breathing deeply and calmly and reminding myself that, right now, I am OK.

3. Get some fresh air and go for a walk as soon as you can. There is something amazing about being out in nature and the calming effects it brings. I took quick walk in the quiet, snowy evening.

4. Find someone to talk to. It doesn’t have to be anyone who will “solve the problem” just someone who will listen. I talked to my husband and my daughter. 🥰

5. Sit with the pain/ anger/frustration/sadness - not the story just the EMOTION, for 90 seconds and notice how that takes the sting away. Repeat often. This is magic. ✨

6. Look for things in your life for which you are grateful. There is always something you can appreciate. I appreciated leftovers for dinner so I didn’t have to cook & a warm cup of tea my daughter made for me. 💕

7. Watch a funny video or show. Laughter is a great way to lift mood. I know you’re thinking of a good video right now!😁

8. Take care of yourself. What can you do to nurture yourself? For me that meant a warm shower, then curling up with a good book and letting family handle the cleanup after dinner.

9. Journal - I wrote this! But write whatever comes to you. It’s amazing how this lightens the load and may shed a different perspective. Assume life is happening FOR you and not to you. What’s the lesson in this day?

10. Know that tomorrow is a fresh start. Life is about progress, not perfection. You cannot change the past but you can choose your next step. That is where the power lies! 🤜🏼

Know someone who’s had a rough day? Pass this on! 

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Disclaimer: The content in this blog is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog or on this website.